IS BEING SINGLE A BAD THING?

Caveat : I am not a relationship expert or licensed therapist. Everything written here is as opined by me. If you see sense in it you can adopt.

EPISODE ONE : IS BEING SINGLE A BAD THING?

“Uvie, I am so sick and tired of this, how long wil I keep being single, see Chioma,Remi, Bunmi, even Evelyn, Evelyn that was a tomboy in our set, married, like who will believe it?! This single thing is not for me, I can’t deal, i feel so incomplete, I need a man to complete me, to make me whole! Plus I am getting old, I don’t understand what’s going on, abi na my village people, Uvie wait how do you do it?!”

For the sake of this post her name would be Rukevwe, Rukevwe is a beautiful lady , 5″6, chocolate skinned, amazing smile, with legs for days. Oh lawdy.
Her last relationship ended with her boyfriend calling it off after taking several physical beating from him and he walked out on her. Like a double entré. Now this is not a post on ‘men are scum’ and no i am not on that team. I love the men in my life.

Back to the issue, now I was super glad when I read the book I am using right now as a source for this series because at last I can put into words the way I have always lived and advised. The inspirational book is actually titled Single Married Separated and Life After Divorce by Myles Munroe. She has been married and still married for ages.

Now the first question is what is singleness, the first few dictionary definitions is (it’s the lawyer in me that always seek definition, biko indulge me), the definition goes along the line of “unique, whole, separate”
To be single is to be WHOLE
To be single is to have YOUR OWN Identity, SEPARATE
To be UNIQUE
To be YOU
Now is there anything wrong in any of the above? Think deeply about it for a little. Take your time. 20 seconds. You don’t need to use a timer. Think it, feel it, be it.

You see, the world has cultured people to adopt a different definition for the word ‘Singleness’ which has led to hurt, rejection, self hatred and many negative endless possibilities.

Now let’s say you are going to get married , should it stop you from being whole, unique, your own person? Truth is, until you are truly totally single, separate, unique, whole you are not really ready to marry.
This is because there would be a beehive of problems to deal with other than the other problems marriage could come with. A majority of psychologists, marriage counselors say that one of the major marital problem that exists is that a husband or wife or both usually don’t see themselves as unique , worthy individuals, always dependent on the other person for validation, to make them happy.

Until one is truly and totally single, marriage wil be a difficult experience except with an extremely understanding mate. For example, If you believe in the Bible,do you remember the part that says God should be the third cord in your marriage. Have you ever thought why not two cords? You and your wife/husband one and God the second cord? Are you thinking what I am thinking? When married you both retain your uniqueness, your singleness but now intertwined to make a very beautifull relationship and God comes in and becomes the third.

In Munroe’s words it’s like making an omelet, two good eggs makes a great omelet, one good egg and a bad egg makes well…a not so pleasant omelet. Each individual should have attained singleness first (good egg) before getting married = great omelet! Two bad eggs is literally a recipe for disaster.

And now for the married ones, your marriage will actually get really good or better once you become more single, ever after you are married once you understand the concept of singleness.

Instead of running from being single. We really should be running to being single.

There exists a confusion between being single and being ALONE.
Now the difference between singleness and being alone is this, being alone is a need to not be isolated. To find friendship companionship in close friends, in some persons.
Being alone is not curable by marriage, all you need to ‘cure’ being alone is to have some other persons to be your companion and close friends, kinship, yeah that’s the word, kinship. Some get married to cure being alone and end up more alone than they have ever been. I am not not taking about the ‘itch’ here

This calls the attention of those African monitoring spirit that pressure people to get married, there is a need to stop pressuring persons to get married, especially people who have not achieved the goal of total singleness, those who are making a choice to be single or those who are not wiling to settle for anything just to fulfill all righteousness.

Marriage will not solve your aloneness if you are not truly single.

Many people married now have marriages that are not working, they sleep in separate beds, pray to get free and most end up depressed.

And I think I observed it’s mostly women who fall prey to this, the inability to be truly single. African women. More precisely Nigerian women. The society chokes you with ‘you are incomplete if you aren’t married’ and you start losing yourself, hoping to find fulfillment or find yourself in someone else, please how?! If you can’t find yourself, how can someone else find you for you? Are you seeing the problem? Or those bothered by the ‘you aren’t successful if you aren’t married’, fact is when or if you have attained singleness you won’t be bothered. Trust me.

Being single is a blessing, there is this strength, uniqueness, ‘wonderment’ in finding you and being delighted about it. And if you are married and you are able to attain it (if you haven’t), your spouse will notice and your relationship would only get better, like sweet wine.

Now lies the questions, how can one attain singleness, be truly single, totally single, there are seven ways. The next episode would discuss the first one called Self Image.

Random Question : What are your sentiments on the word ‘being single’ singleness?

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She stole my poetry

I stare at my coffee,  black,  no sugar,  no cream
She stole my poetry
Some say stay different when you write
Take away your emotions
Just write poems with no personal reason but with rhyme
Maybe in that,  there is some sense,  some reason,  some rhyme
But how can I
I shouldn’t have invited her for a drink
Nor replied her hi on whatsapp
I saw her selfie
And got entangled in her web
She became my muse
Until the day she left
Walked out on a hot windy afternoon
She took twenty of my poems
And all of my paintings
Why didn’t she take my money and leave
Or the golden wristwatch always beside my alarm clock
I can make more money
There will always be money,  women and lies
But only few poetry
She took my poetry
And now I just blog and stare at this empty coffee cup
Please where can I find her?

When a woman cries

She lays dead.  I look at her not moving.  I am in shock.  How did she not see this coming? How did her family? How did her friends? How did they not see this? A lot of hows but she lays cold.

Before telling you what happened,  I would like to introduce you to me and my blog, I am Uvie Omimi-Okoro ,I am female,  5ft 5inches,  chubby, fair, a size 8 with bold arms. That’s about me physically.  Mentally I am a woman who cares deeply about humanity, man,  woman,  child. Some people call me a feminist but I am a humanist. I project the belief that humans should be treated as humans.  Equally, fairly and justifiably.

My very first issue on this blog is about women,  relationships,  marriage and death. It is all encircled. A chain of events. Culminated in one word “Abusive relationship ”
Caveat,  I am not a physician,  psychiatrist , shrink,  therapist, I am not a know-it all or Madame Solve-life’s-problems.  I am a simple woman with a large heart and a very knowledge thirsty soul. Professionally I am actually a lawyer but that is not who I am.  I am essentially a human. Not woman, not man, just that, human.

Now it had been roughly say 2 or 3 years since I have last been in a relationship , people ask me why and I always say one thing “I want to be financially independent first ” (I am financially independent now though). People hear me and say, that is stupid and in the voice of some (you may recognize your voice here) ,they say  “your husband would take care of you ” , “your husband would  empower you ” , “it doesn’t matter jor “, “your own is too much ” “love doesn’t mind oh”  and yes I agree  love is beautiful. I have been there. But a woman in a relationship leading to marriage needs to be empowered. If she is not. She is in a very vulnerable state.

I am going to be assertive here but kindly listen and read carefully.

First, before you get married,  in my own opinion,  you can fault me, indeed you can (we are in our natural state, free thinkers anyway) so yes before you get married as a woman,  have some form of financial independence,  and this is not limited to the event of ‘abusive relationship ‘ , in EVERY  event.  Be it a job, a craft,  have something that empowers you.

Most women stay in AR(Abusive relationships) for reasons like “where do I go” , “where do I start from “,  “who would feed me and house me ” , “I don’t have any money “. I am not telling you to be a career woman, far from it.  Just be a woman who if she has to leave,  would and CAN leave. And not stay because of financial dependence.

Secondly,    if you are in a relationship, do watch out for red flags of an abusive man,   they are usually hard to miss. Some men when they get angry they take a walk or on rare occasions hit the wall,  that is not a red flag (except he hits the wall very close to you, a near miss). But if he slaps you,  hits you or verbally batters you. That’s your first clue. If this happens a first time,  he apologizes ( they usually always do) you can let it go. But if it happens a second time , please do leave. It is not love. Forget how he kisses you after,  even if he cries,  gets on his knee, holds your hand, clutches your leg begging. In a twisted way, it could be the way he knows how to love. But here is the truth,  It’s a sickness. It is NOT love.  Does he slap, pound, hit himself? Even if he does , that is still a medical condition. He needs help and your staying around trying to be his saviour would not work. You have to leave. Get him help but leave. This isn’t the movie screen. This is real life. And most women often end up dead. I do not want you dead. You do not want you dead. Even if you do not mind dying, for those who love you, who do not want you dead, leave. That man who is beating you doesn’t love you else why would he want you harmed and sooner or later dead. It’s not the devil’s handiwork either , if you were thinking that,  that is the belief that the devil has overtakes him. Even if it is the devil (if you believe that), still LEAVE and pray God should help fix him.  It is not your job.

Thirdly, love yourself first. I would explain that,  if you always feel bad about yourself and someone comes and makes you feel good, without his/her words or actions you feel worthless,  useless or of no consequences.  If that is happening to you,  you do not love you.  No one should make you love yourself,  you owe it yourself to love you. I am not saying be self absorbed or be a narcissist. or put yourself before everyone else. Am saying in that biblical quote, love your neighbor as you LOVE YOURSELF. So if they love you when you love yourself, it makes you better,  that’s a lot of plus. But if you do not love you but someone makes you love you. That person consequently becomes your addiction.  This is because the body naturally is pain pleasure sensor inclined. I hope you understand all that is being said here.   In simple layman term, LOVE YOU first before loving any one else. Or else that ‘addiction ‘ in an abusive relationship can kill you.

Fourthly ,  if in someway you did not see the red flags and you are in a marriage that involves an abusive man,  there are centers for abused women.  One day I do intend to launch my own charity organization for battered women, empower them,  everyone who knows me knows that’s one of my foremost dreams. And indeed I will. But pending when that happens, there are organizations. You can email me. And I will redirect you to such facilities.

If you are a man or woman who knows an abusive man or you are an abusive man,   who really knows he needs help. In Abuja on the 3rd of October,  2015, there is a forum that discusses on how to properly tune your emotional intelligence,  with professionals for men. This is the number you can call or text 09032320000 (IT IS NOT MY NUMBER).
When you suffer from a illness, doesn’t matter how long you have had it, you go see the doctor.

So like it started,  she was 24, 2 months pregnant , he beat her till she slumped and didn’t breathe again.
She might be faceless. Nameless. But she happens.  There is a body that has gone cold, that won’t smile,  dance or laugh again because of an abusive man.
I am not a lonely voice,  I am a throng of voices. Stay alive for those who love you 
I may not have met you but I do care deeply about you.
Do inbox me at Uvieomimi@gmail.com if you need help or know someone who does. Whether you are the abused one or the abuser. And you know you need help. Reach out.

As I mentally stare at the cold body of that woman,  I weep,  I weep not because I knew her. But because I am a woman,  I am human. And no one deserves to die like she did.

WE can make it right.
WE should make it right.
Yes we couldn’t save that woman,  but you can save the next woman.
Yes I am Uvie Omimi-Okoro,  I am an ambassador for humanity. And this is my first clarion call.

Image courtesy of www.iamunbeatable.com

NOTE: Men are abused too. But this article is for the women folks. On another I may discuss that issue.