Caveat : I am not a relationship expert or licensed therapist. Everything written here is as opined by me. If you see sense in it you can adopt.
EPISODE ONE : IS BEING SINGLE A BAD THING?
“Uvie, I am so sick and tired of this, how long wil I keep being single, see Chioma,Remi, Bunmi, even Evelyn, Evelyn that was a tomboy in our set, married, like who will believe it?! This single thing is not for me, I can’t deal, i feel so incomplete, I need a man to complete me, to make me whole! Plus I am getting old, I don’t understand what’s going on, abi na my village people, Uvie wait how do you do it?!”
For the sake of this post her name would be Rukevwe, Rukevwe is a beautiful lady , 5″6, chocolate skinned, amazing smile, with legs for days. Oh lawdy.
Her last relationship ended with her boyfriend calling it off after taking several physical beating from him and he walked out on her. Like a double entré. Now this is not a post on ‘men are scum’ and no i am not on that team. I love the men in my life.
Back to the issue, now I was super glad when I read the book I am using right now as a source for this series because at last I can put into words the way I have always lived and advised. The inspirational book is actually titled Single Married Separated and Life After Divorce by Myles Munroe. She has been married and still married for ages.
Now the first question is what is singleness, the first few dictionary definitions is (it’s the lawyer in me that always seek definition, biko indulge me), the definition goes along the line of “unique, whole, separate”
To be single is to be WHOLE
To be single is to have YOUR OWN Identity, SEPARATE
To be UNIQUE
To be YOU
Now is there anything wrong in any of the above? Think deeply about it for a little. Take your time. 20 seconds. You don’t need to use a timer. Think it, feel it, be it.
You see, the world has cultured people to adopt a different definition for the word ‘Singleness’ which has led to hurt, rejection, self hatred and many negative endless possibilities.
Now let’s say you are going to get married , should it stop you from being whole, unique, your own person? Truth is, until you are truly totally single, separate, unique, whole you are not really ready to marry.
This is because there would be a beehive of problems to deal with other than the other problems marriage could come with. A majority of psychologists, marriage counselors say that one of the major marital problem that exists is that a husband or wife or both usually don’t see themselves as unique , worthy individuals, always dependent on the other person for validation, to make them happy.
Until one is truly and totally single, marriage wil be a difficult experience except with an extremely understanding mate. For example, If you believe in the Bible,do you remember the part that says God should be the third cord in your marriage. Have you ever thought why not two cords? You and your wife/husband one and God the second cord? Are you thinking what I am thinking? When married you both retain your uniqueness, your singleness but now intertwined to make a very beautifull relationship and God comes in and becomes the third.
In Munroe’s words it’s like making an omelet, two good eggs makes a great omelet, one good egg and a bad egg makes well…a not so pleasant omelet. Each individual should have attained singleness first (good egg) before getting married = great omelet! Two bad eggs is literally a recipe for disaster.
And now for the married ones, your marriage will actually get really good or better once you become more single, ever after you are married once you understand the concept of singleness.
Instead of running from being single. We really should be running to being single.
There exists a confusion between being single and being ALONE.
Now the difference between singleness and being alone is this, being alone is a need to not be isolated. To find friendship companionship in close friends, in some persons.
Being alone is not curable by marriage, all you need to ‘cure’ being alone is to have some other persons to be your companion and close friends, kinship, yeah that’s the word, kinship. Some get married to cure being alone and end up more alone than they have ever been. I am not not taking about the ‘itch’ here
This calls the attention of those African monitoring spirit that pressure people to get married, there is a need to stop pressuring persons to get married, especially people who have not achieved the goal of total singleness, those who are making a choice to be single or those who are not wiling to settle for anything just to fulfill all righteousness.
Marriage will not solve your aloneness if you are not truly single.
Many people married now have marriages that are not working, they sleep in separate beds, pray to get free and most end up depressed.
And I think I observed it’s mostly women who fall prey to this, the inability to be truly single. African women. More precisely Nigerian women. The society chokes you with ‘you are incomplete if you aren’t married’ and you start losing yourself, hoping to find fulfillment or find yourself in someone else, please how?! If you can’t find yourself, how can someone else find you for you? Are you seeing the problem? Or those bothered by the ‘you aren’t successful if you aren’t married’, fact is when or if you have attained singleness you won’t be bothered. Trust me.
Being single is a blessing, there is this strength, uniqueness, ‘wonderment’ in finding you and being delighted about it. And if you are married and you are able to attain it (if you haven’t), your spouse will notice and your relationship would only get better, like sweet wine.
Now lies the questions, how can one attain singleness, be truly single, totally single, there are seven ways. The next episode would discuss the first one called Self Image.
Random Question : What are your sentiments on the word ‘being single’ singleness?