Do you love yourself?

EPISODE 2:SELF IMAGE

My WCW and WCE sang some very spirited lyrics when she said “learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all”
When your mama pushed and you were born, no matter the circumstances of your birth, how much you have gone through, going through,you were born and as you read this, you breathe and exist. Now have you thought of you, your body, your image as a gift?

I can ask you to tell me what you see when you look at me? That’s going to be easy to do right? Kinda easy to judge others.

Now look in the mirror and tell you what you see when you are looking at you? What do you see

That’s your first assignment.

Let me be the scapegoat here, take me for example, I have chubby cheeks which I love and everyone who has ever loved me in a relationship or otherwise loved my cheek and do you know because of how much I loved my cheek (it wasn’t an obsession though) it won over some unbelievers in the cuteness of chubby cheeks. People that ‘yabbed’ me or were jeering at me for it, now think it’s cute. And it was because of how I feel about it. I really do love it sha. Lol

And my arms too, are a little chubby, I always find myself wearing a dress/top with a sleeve, if it doesn’t have a sleeve, guuurl I ain’t wearing it!! But one day I pulled myself up and said wait, what?! You are fit, you exercise (atleast I dey enter class small even if only once in awhile ) , you eat well. This is your body, it’s my image. People have where they add more than the regular. I should love it, it is me and I should flaunt it. And now I wear anything that suits my mood. Sleeve, no sleeves. Whatever. She queening.

Now being single, really single is knowing your body type and embracing it. Some people are naturally big boned. Love it. Embrace it. Some guys have really thin legs and you will find they always wear trousers, I have a friend like that. Like me he grew up to the point when he basically flipped the bird and now he wears shorts and mind I throw in, it makes him look like a model! Win!

Now if you are in a relationship or married and you haven’t learnt how to be single, let’s say that your girlfriend or wife admires 6 packs but try as hard as you can, you can’t get past having 4 packs or 2. Flat tummy yes but not 6 packs. You start feeling inadequate. If she compliments a guy with 6 pack on TV you get upset or angry or jealous. Of a guy on TV! If you are truly single, you would love your body, admire the 6packs if you like it too, laugh about it and move on. If you personally want to have 6 packs and decide to do everything to get it because you want it, note because YOU want it . Then that’s fine too. As a fact you could get it and girlfriend or wifey won’t fancy it anymore. Do you then become a slave of changes?! Putting unnecessary strain on your marriage or relationship, because you think your partner wants Nicki Minja’s butts when yours look like Rihanna. Do 100 squats a day and still nothing. Then you start getting depressed, why?!!

Ever heard TLC’s song ‘Unpretty ‘?

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too

… .

Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m bein’ stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me…
Those lyrics is exactly what I mean

Being single is knowing when your partner always makes you feel unpretty when you know you are pretty, knowing when to step away from the plate if you aren’t married and the relationship is becoming very toxic. It can even be a relationship with yourself. Wanting to be like him or her. Quit.

And if married, being truly single is loving your body, flaunt your body, care for it, don’t let yourself be excessively booed because it doesn’t fit squarely with what your mate wants. Make him or her want you just the way you are. And it’s easier when you love you the way you are.

Your self image shouldn’t be totally dependent on your partner, you should have a larger control on it yourself, that’s what is called being single. Because unless you have unconditioned yourself to validate itself as your partner or fashion or fad desires, you are not truly single. You are giving your relationship or marriage more work to deal with, you have mannerism, attitudes and other imperfections to deal with. Why add your insecurity or lack of self worth to the already vulnerable mix.

Now I am not saying you can have potbelly and be happy with it. Quite the contrary being single is knowing your self image is important to YOU , you should keep it. Don’t let go or let your body go because you are comfortable in your skin or your partner accepts you the way you are when you know you can be better. If you look at yourself in the mirror and remove the approval or disapproval of the person you are with in a relationship or marriage or you by yourself , what do you see? Are you happy with it? Are you trying to do better? Have you really tried your best(not obsessively) and that’s it. And maybe keep trying If you know you aren’t the best version of yourself yet ?

If you have good self image, you won’t need anyone else in order to be somebody.
You won’t need anyone else in order to feel good about your body, about you. Your self image. You wouldn’t need your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend to force you to look better (though there is nothing wrong with a little nudge sometimes) when you are single you want to look better, be better, for you then in extension for them.

Being single is looking in the mirror and saying Uvie you need to start working out or Uvie this is the way you were born,deal with it, love it, this is Uvie.

I am going to say something that would make most Nigerians throw stones at me, being the conservatives that we are. But even if you safely want to go under the knife to be the best of you for you, it’s up to you. For example those who are or tilting on obesity.

It feels great for someone to tell you “damn you look good!” but it feels way better to know ” damn I look good!”

The essence of this write is to tell you, that the way you feel about your body, yourself inside and outside would mirror the way people see you. To be truly single is to be secure in your self image.

NOTE :I am not saying be a narcissist or don’t put the desire of your partner into consideration. I am saying strike a balance. Love your neighbor as yourself. As you love yourself.

Love you muchos!

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No To Nudes

My beautiful women, Nigeria isn’t America neither is any woman Kim Kardashian, she was a one hit wonder everything else has just been a repetition. I am not a fan of hers. Never been. Never going to be. It’s not because I am a nerd or bookie or that my idea of woman power differs from hers. I just appreciate a lot of qualities she doesn’t have. That’s basically it. Her pedestal wasn’t just nudes, it was a sex tape. Do not be a victim. In her case she was a Victor but in yours it may mean your family societal suicide and maybe yours.

So why I wrote this and I got permission to, a friend came to me about a friend called Christiana (names have been changed) whose boyfriend, Chidi, physically abused her (it seems to be in vogue these days, my people why? Why allow the devil to use you, let me be very Nigerian for a bit here) so Christiana walked out, go super woman! and Chidi realized she really isn’t coming back to him,being the chicken that he is, he threatened to release her nudes if she doesn’t come back to him, talk about going beyond emotional blackmail,

After giving appropriate legal professional advice to them on how to proceed. Which legally it is known as criminal intimidation and thus punishable by law. I thought to make a little note on my blog for all you ladies or guys who have sisters or close friends who are women. To advise them.

First off, I am not an advocate for nudes . At all! My word on it is NO. DO NOT SEND NUDES. Incase you doubt which side I am on. Well except for when you are married then you can blow your husband’s phone up! Na your right. Infact you really should. Let him burn for you. So that when he sees you, oh sughar!
Okay back to reality, sorry for the mini detour. So as I was saying. I am all for ‘don’t send nudes to your boyfriends and as a legal adviser (free of charge) if you think you must, please ūüöęDO NOT ūüöęinclude your face. Don’t be vulnerable to potential slander, fake accusations, bitter revenge, petty onslaught or what not. Like the case of a Desola on twitter. We don’t know how that turned out. If it was true or false. But if it had, that would have been really messy. And I cringe at the thought, that was yet another reason why I wrote this.

So say no to nudes and especially to nudes with your faces in it, if you think you must because if you say no, he is going to think or say it means you don’t love him enough, honey it means he doesn’t love you enough and he is not the right man for you. Help yourself and your future and walk right on past him.

You or your family cannot come and go and kill yourself because of man that wants nudes or you that body is hotting ‘

End of note.

You have a very beautiful day.

IS BEING SINGLE A BAD THING?

Caveat : I am not a relationship expert or licensed therapist. Everything written here is as opined by me. If you see sense in it you can adopt.

EPISODE ONE : IS BEING SINGLE A BAD THING?

“Uvie, I am so sick and tired of this, how long wil I keep being single, see Chioma,Remi, Bunmi, even Evelyn, Evelyn that was a tomboy in our set, married, like who will believe it?! This single thing is not for me, I can’t deal, i feel so incomplete, I need a man to complete me, to make me whole! Plus I am getting old, I don’t understand what’s going on, abi na my village people, Uvie wait how do you do it?!”

For the sake of this post her name would be Rukevwe, Rukevwe is a beautiful lady , 5″6, chocolate skinned, amazing smile, with legs for days. Oh lawdy.
Her last relationship ended with her boyfriend calling it off after taking several physical beating from him and he walked out on her. Like a double entr√©. Now this is not a post on ‘men are scum’ and no i am not on that team. I love the men in my life.

Back to the issue, now I was super glad when I read the book I am using right now as a source for this series because at last I can put into words the way I have always lived and advised. The inspirational book is actually titled Single Married Separated and Life After Divorce by Myles Munroe. She has been married and still married for ages.

Now the first question is what is singleness, the first few dictionary definitions is (it’s the lawyer in me that always seek definition, biko indulge me), the definition goes along the line of “unique, whole, separate”
To be single is to be WHOLE
To be single is to have YOUR OWN Identity, SEPARATE
To be UNIQUE
To be YOU
Now is there anything wrong in any of the above? Think deeply about it for a little. Take your time. 20 seconds. You don’t need to use a timer. Think it, feel it, be it.

You see, the world has cultured people to adopt a different definition for the word ‘Singleness’ which has led to hurt, rejection, self hatred and many negative endless possibilities.

Now let’s say you are going to get married , should it stop you from being whole, unique, your own person? Truth is, until you are truly totally single, separate, unique, whole you are not really ready to marry.
This is because there would be a beehive of problems to deal with other than the other problems marriage could come with. A majority of psychologists, marriage counselors say that one of the major marital problem that exists is that a husband or wife or both usually don’t see themselves as unique , worthy individuals, always dependent on the other person for validation, to make them happy.

Until one is truly and totally single, marriage wil be a difficult experience except with an extremely understanding mate. For example, If you believe in the Bible,do you remember the part that says God should be the third cord in your marriage. Have you ever thought why not two cords? You and your wife/husband one and God the second cord? Are you thinking what I am thinking? When married you both retain your uniqueness, your singleness but now intertwined to make a very beautifull relationship and God comes in and becomes the third.

In Munroe’s words it’s like making an omelet, two good eggs makes a great omelet, one good egg and a bad egg makes well…a not so pleasant omelet. Each individual should have attained singleness first (good egg) before getting married = great omelet! Two bad eggs is literally a recipe for disaster.

And now for the married ones, your marriage will actually get really good or better once you become more single, ever after you are married once you understand the concept of singleness.

Instead of running from being single. We really should be running to being single.

There exists a confusion between being single and being ALONE.
Now the difference between singleness and being alone is this, being alone is a need to not be isolated. To find friendship companionship in close friends, in some persons.
Being alone is not curable by marriage, all you need to ‘cure’ being alone is to have some other persons to be your companion and close friends, kinship, yeah that’s the word, kinship. Some get married to cure being alone and end up more alone than they have ever been. I am not not taking about the ‘itch’ here

This calls the attention of those African monitoring spirit that pressure people to get married, there is a need to stop pressuring persons to get married, especially people who have not achieved the goal of total singleness, those who are making a choice to be single or those who are not wiling to settle for anything just to fulfill all righteousness.

Marriage will not solve your aloneness if you are not truly single.

Many people married now have marriages that are not working, they sleep in separate beds, pray to get free and most end up depressed.

And I think I observed it’s mostly women who fall prey to this, the inability to be truly single. African women. More precisely Nigerian women. The society chokes you with ‘you are incomplete if you aren’t married’ and you start losing yourself, hoping to find fulfillment or find yourself in someone else, please how?! If you can’t find yourself, how can someone else find you for you? Are you seeing the problem? Or those bothered by the ‘you aren’t successful if you aren’t married’, fact is when or if you have attained singleness you won’t be bothered. Trust me.

Being single is a blessing, there is this strength, uniqueness, ‘wonderment’ in finding you and being delighted about it. And if you are married and you are able to attain it (if you haven’t), your spouse will notice and your relationship would only get better, like sweet wine.

Now lies the questions, how can one attain singleness, be truly single, totally single, there are seven ways. The next episode would discuss the first one called Self Image.

Random Question : What are your sentiments on the word ‘being single’ singleness?

She stole my poetry

I stare at my coffee,  black,  no sugar,  no cream
She stole my poetry
Some say stay different when you write
Take away your emotions
Just write poems with no personal reason but with rhyme
Maybe in that,  there is some sense,  some reason,  some rhyme
But how can I
I shouldn’t have invited her for a drink
Nor replied her hi on whatsapp
I saw her selfie
And got entangled in her web
She became my muse
Until the day she left
Walked out on a hot windy afternoon
She took twenty of my poems
And all of my paintings
Why didn’t she take my money and leave
Or the golden wristwatch always beside my alarm clock
I can make more money
There will always be money,  women and lies
But only few poetry
She took my poetry
And now I just blog and stare at this empty coffee cup
Please where can I find her?

When a woman cries

She lays dead.  I look at her not moving.  I am in shock.  How did she not see this coming? How did her family? How did her friends? How did they not see this? A lot of hows but she lays cold.

Before telling you what happened,¬† I would like to introduce you to me and my blog,¬†I am Uvie Omimi-Okoro ,I am female,¬† 5ft 5inches,¬† chubby, fair, a size 8 with bold arms. That’s about me physically.¬† Mentally I am a woman who cares deeply about humanity, man,¬† woman,¬† child. Some people call me a feminist but I am a humanist. I project the belief that humans should be treated as humans.¬† Equally, fairly and justifiably.

My very first issue on this blog is about women,¬† relationships,¬† marriage and death. It is all encircled. A chain of events. Culminated in one word “Abusive relationship ”
Caveat,¬† I am not a physician, ¬†psychiatrist , shrink,¬† therapist, I am not a know-it all or Madame Solve-life’s-problems. ¬†I am a simple woman with a large heart and a very knowledge thirsty soul. Professionally I am actually a lawyer but that is not who I am.¬† I am essentially a human. Not woman, not man, just that, human.

Now it had been roughly say 2 or 3 years since I have last been in a relationship , people ask me why and I always say one thing “I want to be financially independent first ” (I am financially independent now though). People hear me and say, that is stupid and in the voice of some (you may recognize your voice here) ,they say¬† “your husband would take care of you ” , “your husband would¬† empower you ” , “it doesn’t matter jor “, “your own is too much ” “love doesn’t mind oh” ¬†and yes I agree¬† love is beautiful. I have been there. But a woman in a relationship leading to marriage needs to be empowered. If she is not. She is in a very vulnerable state.

I am going to be assertive here but kindly listen and read carefully.

First,¬†before you get married,¬† in my own opinion,¬† you can fault me, indeed you can (we are in our natural state, free thinkers anyway) so yes before you get married as a woman,¬† have some form of financial independence,¬† and this is not limited to the event of ‘abusive relationship ‘ , in EVERY¬† event.¬† Be it a job, a craft, ¬†have something that empowers you.

Most women stay in AR(Abusive relationships) for reasons like “where do I go” , “where do I start from “,¬† “who would feed me and house me ” , “I don’t have any money “. I am not telling you to be a career woman, far from it.¬† Just be a woman who if she has to leave,¬† would and CAN leave. And not stay because of financial dependence.

Secondly, ¬†¬† if you are in a relationship, do watch out for red flags of an abusive man,¬†¬† they are usually hard to miss. Some men when they get angry they take a walk or on rare occasions hit the wall,¬† that is not a red flag (except he hits the wall very close to you, a near miss). But if he slaps you,¬† hits you or verbally batters you. That’s your first clue. If this happens a first time,¬† he apologizes ( they usually always do) you can let it go. But if it happens a second time , please do leave. It is not love. Forget how he kisses¬†you after,¬† even if he cries,¬† gets on his knee, holds your hand, clutches your leg begging. In a twisted way, it could be the way he knows how to love. But here is the truth,¬† It’s a sickness. It is NOT love.¬† Does he slap, pound, hit himself? Even if he does , that is still a medical condition. He needs help and your staying around trying to be his saviour would not work. You have to leave. Get him help but leave. This isn’t the movie screen. This is real life. And most women often end up dead. I do not want you dead. You do not want you dead. Even if you do not mind dying, for those who love you, who do not want you dead, leave. That man who is beating you doesn’t love you else why would he want you harmed and sooner or later dead. It’s not the devil’s handiwork either , if you were thinking that,¬† that is the belief that the devil has overtakes him. Even if it is the devil (if you believe that), still¬†LEAVE and pray God should help fix him.¬† It is not your job.

Thirdly, love yourself first. I would explain that,¬† if you always feel bad about yourself and someone comes and makes you feel good, without his/her words or actions you feel worthless,¬† useless or of no consequences.¬† If that is happening to you,¬† you do not love you.¬† No one should make you love yourself,¬† you owe it yourself to love you. I am not saying be self absorbed or be a narcissist. or put yourself before everyone else. Am saying in that biblical quote, love your neighbor as you LOVE YOURSELF. So if they love you when you love yourself, it makes you better,¬† that’s a lot of plus. But if you do not love you but someone makes you love you. That person consequently becomes your addiction.¬† This is because the body naturally is pain pleasure sensor inclined. I hope you understand all that is being said here. ¬† In simple layman term, LOVE YOU first before loving any one else. Or else that ‘addiction ‘ in an abusive relationship can kill you.

Fourthly ,¬† if in someway you did not see the red flags and you are in a marriage that involves an abusive man,¬† there are centers for abused women.¬† One day I do intend to launch my own charity organization for battered women,¬†empower them,¬† everyone who knows me knows that’s one of my foremost dreams. And indeed I will. But pending when that happens, there are organizations. You can email me. And I will redirect you to such facilities.

If you are a man or woman who knows an abusive man or you are an abusive man,   who really knows he needs help. In Abuja on the 3rd of October,  2015, there is a forum that discusses on how to properly tune your emotional intelligence,  with professionals for men. This is the number you can call or text 09032320000 (IT IS NOT MY NUMBER).
When you suffer from a illness, doesn’t matter how long you have had it, you go see the doctor.

So like it started,¬† she was 24, 2 months pregnant , he beat her till she slumped and didn’t breathe again.
She might be faceless. Nameless. But she happens.¬† There is a body that has gone cold, that won’t smile,¬† dance or laugh again because of an abusive man.
I am not a lonely voice,  I am a throng of voices. Stay alive for those who love you 
I may not have met you but I do care deeply about you.
Do inbox me at Uvieomimi@gmail.com if you need help or know someone who does. Whether you are the abused one or the abuser. And you know you need help. Reach out.

As I mentally stare at the cold body of that woman,  I weep,  I weep not because I knew her. But because I am a woman,  I am human. And no one deserves to die like she did.

WE can make it right.
WE should make it right.
Yes we couldn’t save that woman,¬† but you can save the next woman.
Yes I am Uvie Omimi-Okoro,  I am an ambassador for humanity. And this is my first clarion call.

Image courtesy of www.iamunbeatable.com

NOTE: Men are abused too. But this article is for the women folks. On another I may discuss that issue.