She lays dead. I look at her not moving. I am in shock. How did she not see this coming? How did her family? How did her friends? How did they not see this? A lot of hows but she lays cold.
Before telling you what happened, I would like to introduce you to me and my blog, I am Uvie Omimi-Okoro ,I am female, 5ft 5inches, chubby, fair, a size 8 with bold arms. That’s about me physically. Mentally I am a woman who cares deeply about humanity, man, woman, child. Some people call me a feminist but I am a humanist. I project the belief that humans should be treated as humans. Equally, fairly and justifiably.
My very first issue on this blog is about women, relationships, marriage and death. It is all encircled. A chain of events. Culminated in one word “Abusive relationship ”
Caveat, I am not a physician, psychiatrist , shrink, therapist, I am not a know-it all or Madame Solve-life’s-problems. I am a simple woman with a large heart and a very knowledge thirsty soul. Professionally I am actually a lawyer but that is not who I am. I am essentially a human. Not woman, not man, just that, human.
Now it had been roughly say 2 or 3 years since I have last been in a relationship , people ask me why and I always say one thing “I want to be financially independent first ” (I am financially independent now though). People hear me and say, that is stupid and in the voice of some (you may recognize your voice here) ,they say “your husband would take care of you ” , “your husband would empower you ” , “it doesn’t matter jor “, “your own is too much ” “love doesn’t mind oh” and yes I agree love is beautiful. I have been there. But a woman in a relationship leading to marriage needs to be empowered. If she is not. She is in a very vulnerable state.
I am going to be assertive here but kindly listen and read carefully.
First, before you get married, in my own opinion, you can fault me, indeed you can (we are in our natural state, free thinkers anyway) so yes before you get married as a woman, have some form of financial independence, and this is not limited to the event of ‘abusive relationship ‘ , in EVERY event. Be it a job, a craft, have something that empowers you.
Most women stay in AR(Abusive relationships) for reasons like “where do I go” , “where do I start from “, “who would feed me and house me ” , “I don’t have any money “. I am not telling you to be a career woman, far from it. Just be a woman who if she has to leave, would and CAN leave. And not stay because of financial dependence.
Secondly, if you are in a relationship, do watch out for red flags of an abusive man, they are usually hard to miss. Some men when they get angry they take a walk or on rare occasions hit the wall, that is not a red flag (except he hits the wall very close to you, a near miss). But if he slaps you, hits you or verbally batters you. That’s your first clue. If this happens a first time, he apologizes ( they usually always do) you can let it go. But if it happens a second time , please do leave. It is not love. Forget how he kisses you after, even if he cries, gets on his knee, holds your hand, clutches your leg begging. In a twisted way, it could be the way he knows how to love. But here is the truth, It’s a sickness. It is NOT love. Does he slap, pound, hit himself? Even if he does , that is still a medical condition. He needs help and your staying around trying to be his saviour would not work. You have to leave. Get him help but leave. This isn’t the movie screen. This is real life. And most women often end up dead. I do not want you dead. You do not want you dead. Even if you do not mind dying, for those who love you, who do not want you dead, leave. That man who is beating you doesn’t love you else why would he want you harmed and sooner or later dead. It’s not the devil’s handiwork either , if you were thinking that, that is the belief that the devil has overtakes him. Even if it is the devil (if you believe that), still LEAVE and pray God should help fix him. It is not your job.
Thirdly, love yourself first. I would explain that, if you always feel bad about yourself and someone comes and makes you feel good, without his/her words or actions you feel worthless, useless or of no consequences. If that is happening to you, you do not love you. No one should make you love yourself, you owe it yourself to love you. I am not saying be self absorbed or be a narcissist. or put yourself before everyone else. Am saying in that biblical quote, love your neighbor as you LOVE YOURSELF. So if they love you when you love yourself, it makes you better, that’s a lot of plus. But if you do not love you but someone makes you love you. That person consequently becomes your addiction. This is because the body naturally is pain pleasure sensor inclined. I hope you understand all that is being said here. In simple layman term, LOVE YOU first before loving any one else. Or else that ‘addiction ‘ in an abusive relationship can kill you.
Fourthly , if in someway you did not see the red flags and you are in a marriage that involves an abusive man, there are centers for abused women. One day I do intend to launch my own charity organization for battered women, empower them, everyone who knows me knows that’s one of my foremost dreams. And indeed I will. But pending when that happens, there are organizations. You can email me. And I will redirect you to such facilities.
If you are a man or woman who knows an abusive man or you are an abusive man, who really knows he needs help. In Abuja on the 3rd of October, 2015, there is a forum that discusses on how to properly tune your emotional intelligence, with professionals for men. This is the number you can call or text 09032320000 (IT IS NOT MY NUMBER).
When you suffer from a illness, doesn’t matter how long you have had it, you go see the doctor.
So like it started, she was 24, 2 months pregnant , he beat her till she slumped and didn’t breathe again.
She might be faceless. Nameless. But she happens. There is a body that has gone cold, that won’t smile, dance or laugh again because of an abusive man.
I am not a lonely voice, I am a throng of voices. Stay alive for those who love you
I may not have met you but I do care deeply about you.
Do inbox me at Uvieomimi@gmail.com if you need help or know someone who does. Whether you are the abused one or the abuser. And you know you need help. Reach out.
As I mentally stare at the cold body of that woman, I weep, I weep not because I knew her. But because I am a woman, I am human. And no one deserves to die like she did.
WE can make it right.
WE should make it right.
Yes we couldn’t save that woman, but you can save the next woman.
Yes I am Uvie Omimi-Okoro, I am an ambassador for humanity. And this is my first clarion call.
Image courtesy of www.iamunbeatable.com
NOTE: Men are abused too. But this article is for the women folks. On another I may discuss that issue.